Friday, December 30, 2011

The Head and Heart Dilemma

You know, I think the purpose of my life is to find a way to be content with myself. I think alot of the issues that I have with others or in interactions with others stems from not being content with myself.
Now, this doesn't mean that I am not generally a happy person, I am, and I really do like making and seeing other people happy. No, what I am talking about is that feeling of satisfaction from knowing who you are, what you believe, what you are willing to do, what you will not do, who you enjoy to be around and identify with, what you want to do with your life, and having the self control to stay true to all of these things.
That last bit, the self control part, I really think that is my problem. You know when you work out (very rarely for me, but I'm using this as an analogy, so sue me), you are supposed to work out all your muscles so you can be well rounded and equally healthy and all that. Well I think, mentally, I have only been working out a couple of my muscles, so now I look like that creepy guy from Lady in the Water who only worked out one of his arms, so he was all off balance and off putting? Thats what my brain looks like, inside. I have worked out my "self indulgance" muscles too much, so now when I try to have self control and actually do the things that I need and want to do, it's really hard and much easier to just fall back and let my muscley arm do the heavy lifting instead of my weak arm who is all struggling and a sad excuse for an arm. The weak arm has good intentions, but it just cant compete with Mr. Muscle. Dang you Mr. Muscle! Why did I not see the damage I was doing while only letting you do the work!? (Shaking my fist in the air)

If you don't know what I am talking about really, thats ok. I think the main point here, is I think in all of us we have two people. I think they are represented by the brain and the heart (metaphorically of course). They are both equally important because we need them both to survive, but the heart represents passion here and the brain represents what you know. In my case, they are always flippin warring with eachother! So to tie it in with the previous analogy, I am going to say that the heart is your strong arm, and you can only fully function healthily if the brain and the heart are equally as strong.
Im going to use cheating on someone as yet another analogy, because since this is public and not my journal, I don't feel comfortable airing all my dirty laudry here. So cheating, since this is not a problem I struggle with, but it parallels my issues in that you are towing two lines, I am gonna use it.

In this scenario, you are a woman in love with your husband. You have a good marriage and you know that he is a good man, he provides for your every need, maybe not the crazy flashy things, but you have what you need and he is always there for you and you love him and support him equally back. BUT, there is this other guy, super hot, super attractive, on the surface - he compliments you, he buys you flashy things, he pleases you in every way, but he doesn't provide anything you need, he only provides the surface things.
So it's obvious you would pick the first guy yes? In my head that is what would be the best choice, because if you have what you need from your partner, you are then able to have what you want as well, and if he is a good man and cares for you and you love him equally back, then of course that is the best choice. BUT, what if you gave in once to the flashy guy? For whatever the reason, you were feeling weak that day and this guy came along and took advantage of that weakness (and by take advantage I am not taking responsibility away from me/you/the woman, I am just saying he benefits from the situation as well). So what do you do? Best case, admit your guilt and work through it yes? Well, in this case, no you dont, you just let yourself feel the guilt, which in turn makes you feel worse, because you love your husband and hate that you would do something like that that would hurt him. So you just sit around in your guilt and self hatred, your husband tries to help you, but that makes you feel worse and whats more, he cant help because you cant tell him whats wrong. So what do you do? Well, flashy guy is still there yes? You cant feel better inside because those needs are not being met by yourself and especially not your husband, so outward flashy guy comes back and offers to help you feel better another way, so you take it. Which then leads to just a spiral of cheating to feel better for just a bit, but then feeling even worse each and every time. You become numb to what you are doing, each time its worse, but yet you numb yourself to the feeling because if you don't, how can you live with yourself. You then begin to resent your husband, because all of the self hatred cant be contained and has to be let out in some way, so who do we go for? The people we love, those closest to us. I think maybe because the people we love want whats best for us, and push us to be the best we can be, and when we aren't we fear their disappointment, which only makes us angry at them that they can't love us for who we are now. But it's not them that are disappointed in us, its ourselves who we are disappointed in, but out bodies can't handle that amount of hatred and sadness. We think we can, but it's bound to come out. Just like when you are happy and content, that can't just be contained within our bodies alone and it comes out of us in service and smiles and laughter and friendships; hatred comes out of us in bitterness, frowns, lies, suspisions, anger, selfishness, and hatred of others.
So basically this is what I feel caught between, the loving husband who I love and want to be with, who I know is the healthier and happier option, but because I have been giving in to the outward flashy guy for so long, it's hard to finally go back and admit all of the things that have happened that could have been avoided if I had only told my loving husband about the first transgression. Instead I had to let it spiral.
So lets see if I can connect all my analogies and stories haha. So with the heart and brain analogy, ideally, we should have our hearts and heads in the same places, they should be equally strong. In my world, they are disconnected. My brain knows where it wants to be and knows where I should be. I know it with everything I am. But because I strayed from where I know I should be and had a taste of something that a part of me liked, I gave life and strength to something new and not healthy. So my heart, my passion if you will, is with this new thing, this outward flashy guy, even while I know that my heart should be with my loving husband, the healthier and therefore happier option. But, I have given all my strength and time to outward flashy guy, so therefore my heart desires this more than my loving husband, so I am out of balance. My heart is stronger than my head. When I try and realign myself and make myself do something that I know in my head is right, it is an extreme struggle. Why? Because the muscle is weak, or in other words, a part of me still really really wants outward flashy guy. Wants in the sense that he is what I know, he is what is normal for me now. When I try and make my brain do something it's a struggle because I then have to actually FEEL the pain I have caused myself and others because of doing the wrong thing. Just like when you are working out. Lets say you have been doing a push up wrong, you have been doing it in a way that has been easier and you have gotten used to it and those other muscles are trained to do it in a way that no longer brings you alot of pain. Well, then when you are told you are doing it wrong, you try and do it the right way, but you feel pain again, and since you know of a way of doing it without pain, it makes sense to fall back on the other way, even if its wrong, right? But it is wrong, and you will be far better off in the long run if you train your body to do it the right way.

I know this is a huge gigantic ramble of ridiculousness. If you got through that, I applaud you, if you got through that and it actually made sense, I will give you a kiss! haha

Anyways, so that is my stuggle. Not actually cheating though. And I know there are many many different reasons and scenerios in which people cheat, but that one worked best to show my point without giving much away.

I promise to have a funny post up soon, I have just been struggling with trying to explain to myself and others what I am struggling with (haha), and so I try it out here first. :)

Have a lovely day and Happy New Year!!!!

Good Intent by Kimbra

You heard the crickets of the early eve
They lurk around the opening in two's & three's
Clementine told you not to move with the breeze
I'll take you down to places where we dare not speak

The red light in the doorway says she's armed
But boy go try your luck and you might get pass
Step into the dwelling of the liger's mouth
Peer into the panic for a kick and swell
You know you shouldn't be there but it's way past bed
There's comfort in the fingers of your good intent
You know you shouldn't be there but your money's all spent
You've got your reputation and your good intent
Your good intent

Out to feed that habit when you've sowed that seed
Nothing made you feel out of the ordinary
But the air turns sombre and the night took heed
Took you on a waltz of hypocrisy
She broke your bones, now you're lying in the dirt
The shadow of a hunter under your torture
It's not enough to say, it's not what's in your heart
You've tainted every moment till death do we part

I know you didn't mean it, boy you meant so well
The pennies are cascading down your wishing well
I know you didn't mean it when you counted to ten
You're slipping through the fingers of your good intent

I know you didn't mean it, though you meant so well
The pennies are cascading down your wishing well
I know you didn't mean it when you counted to ten
You got your reputation and your good intent
Such a good intent

It's not enough to hope for the best
It's not enough to lie there on a brace
The liger's on the prowl now you've pulled at the strings
One false move and soon you're playing dice for a

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Calling it "Scuttlebutt" makes it seem harmless and adorable...

Well, if you are new to this blog, or haven't been reading my posts, then you will already know of how terrified I am of gossip. I should be secure enough by now to not be afraid, but because of my weakness to participate in and therefore become paranoid about gossip, I am still very much afraid of it.

Its always so weird yet makes perfect sense that as soon as you participate in something sordid, wrong or hurtful, you automatically become paranoid that others are doing it too. I think its common knowledge by now yes? If not, it should be. Cause its true. At least in my experience. Such as with cheaters, you always see them becoming extremely suspicious about their partners and the people they spend their time with. Well, such as with those who gossip.

Why do I hate gossip? well, it's because what they tell you in grade school is a lie. Words can hurt you. I think they hurt you the worst. I would gladly take a stick or stone to the face than have to ever deal with hurtful words about myself or those that I love...or anyone else really. Hurtful words come from fear or ignorance. No matter who the person is, they may not have admitted it to themselves, but when someone says something about you either to your face or behind your back, it's because there is something inside themselves that is not complete or whole in the way it should be.

Obviously, since I do tend to participate in gossip sometimes, I am aware of my own faults. I do have to say that I am very good at being honest with myself about my motives and emotions. Sometimes not at the exact moment that I am doing something, but I will analyze my actions and motivations later and discover the truths then. So I am not trying to say that I am that good of a person, I am just trying to say that I am able to be honest. Which can suck sometimes.
So, the reason I mess up and fall prey to the "scuttlebutt" as it were? I am insecure. How's that for a cliche answer?! I wish that I was so secure in my love for myself and others that I could just let people be who they are and let myself be who I am, but I can't leave well enough alone.
What am I insecure about? My worth to others. That's really the root to alot of things with me. I doubt my worth to others. So if I am in a place where it seems like my worth to someone or some organization is threatened? I get insanely jealous. I feel like I hide it pretty well, but maybe not. I do know though that I then become tempted to get involved in the gossip and try and lower either the persons worth that is threatening mine, or try and increase mine, usually both go hand in hand. How terrible is that? Whether the gossip is true or not, my motives are not and thus the reason I should keep my mouth shut. Don't you stop respecting the person who is putting other people down? I feel like if I put people down for anything, it's making me the lesser person. I feel like a lesser person at least.
Now, to clarify, I am not this person who goes around gossiping and putting people down all the time. I really do fight it. I fight it so hard. It's just when I do slip up, I feel terrible. And it's because I would hate if someone I trusted went and gossiped about me behind my back for the simple reason that they wanted to decrease my worth to others in order for their worth to rise again. That wouldn't be a good feeling.
I don't want to be that person. I hate that person I am when I do this. Because how do you ask forgiveness from someone who doesn't even know what you have done? How do you make that right? Even if you go to the people you said it to and say you were mistaken or that you wish that you could take it back, the damage is still there. The trust has still been broken.
I try to justify myself. Saying that the person has told my secrets to others before, so it's ok. I say that the person is breaking rules and doing really hypocritical things, so it's not like I am any worse. Even as I typed those last two sentences, I was trying to justify my actions to the random nameless people who just so happen to read this blog post and if no one reads it, I am just attempting to justify to myself again. In essence, trying to say she deserved it.
Ya know. Everyone is gonna do crap they regret, everyone is going to go against their beliefs at LEAST once and do something that seems hypocritical, everyone is going to have something they keep doing even if they tell themselves they will never do it again, everyone is going to hurt someone they love at some point in their lives, everyone is going to make mistakes and everyone is going to be jealous or act in ways to gain attention. But you know what else? Every single person in this world has their reasons for doing the things they do. Every single person has had events and circumstances that are unique to their life that make them act and react the way they do. Who are we... who am I to judge anyone for who they are when I am no experience on how to live their life. I only have experience on how to live my life. So with the experience that I have, I will continue to battle my insecurities and weaknesses. Hopefully, given time and wisdom, I can safely say that gossip does not terrify me and that I will not participate in it.

Here are some quotes coming your way! Some of them speak of why gossip is enticing and other are more inspirational and speak of how we/I ought to be.

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Miguel Angel Ruiz

Anyone who has obeyed nature by transmitting a piece of gossip experiences the explosive relief that accompanies the satisfying of a primary need.
Primo Levi
(you know, I hate the argument that it's just "in our nature". I hate that used for anything, including this. Because it's such a cop out! There are alot of things that are "just in our nature", doesn't mean that they are good for us. Read the essay in my blog post "The Search" there were some really good quotes in there about the meaninglessness of always giving in to our "natures". I am not trying to be preachy, it's just, if we all gave in to our natures, do you realize how selfish and horrible and lonely this world would be?)

Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction, compared to the tongue of a Gossip.
Richard Steele

Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
Walter Winchell

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
P. J. O'Rourke

Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.
Frank Howard Clark

I think the hardest part about being a teenager is dealing with other teenagers - the criticism and the ridicule, the gossip and rumors.
Beverley Mitchell

It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things.
Lawrence G. Lovasik

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
Will Rogers