Calling it "Scuttlebutt" makes it seem harmless and adorable...

Well, if you are new to this blog, or haven't been reading my posts, then you will already know of how terrified I am of gossip. I should be secure enough by now to not be afraid, but because of my weakness to participate in and therefore become paranoid about gossip, I am still very much afraid of it.

Its always so weird yet makes perfect sense that as soon as you participate in something sordid, wrong or hurtful, you automatically become paranoid that others are doing it too. I think its common knowledge by now yes? If not, it should be. Cause its true. At least in my experience. Such as with cheaters, you always see them becoming extremely suspicious about their partners and the people they spend their time with. Well, such as with those who gossip.

Why do I hate gossip? well, it's because what they tell you in grade school is a lie. Words can hurt you. I think they hurt you the worst. I would gladly take a stick or stone to the face than have to ever deal with hurtful words about myself or those that I love...or anyone else really. Hurtful words come from fear or ignorance. No matter who the person is, they may not have admitted it to themselves, but when someone says something about you either to your face or behind your back, it's because there is something inside themselves that is not complete or whole in the way it should be.

Obviously, since I do tend to participate in gossip sometimes, I am aware of my own faults. I do have to say that I am very good at being honest with myself about my motives and emotions. Sometimes not at the exact moment that I am doing something, but I will analyze my actions and motivations later and discover the truths then. So I am not trying to say that I am that good of a person, I am just trying to say that I am able to be honest. Which can suck sometimes.
So, the reason I mess up and fall prey to the "scuttlebutt" as it were? I am insecure. How's that for a cliche answer?! I wish that I was so secure in my love for myself and others that I could just let people be who they are and let myself be who I am, but I can't leave well enough alone.
What am I insecure about? My worth to others. That's really the root to alot of things with me. I doubt my worth to others. So if I am in a place where it seems like my worth to someone or some organization is threatened? I get insanely jealous. I feel like I hide it pretty well, but maybe not. I do know though that I then become tempted to get involved in the gossip and try and lower either the persons worth that is threatening mine, or try and increase mine, usually both go hand in hand. How terrible is that? Whether the gossip is true or not, my motives are not and thus the reason I should keep my mouth shut. Don't you stop respecting the person who is putting other people down? I feel like if I put people down for anything, it's making me the lesser person. I feel like a lesser person at least.
Now, to clarify, I am not this person who goes around gossiping and putting people down all the time. I really do fight it. I fight it so hard. It's just when I do slip up, I feel terrible. And it's because I would hate if someone I trusted went and gossiped about me behind my back for the simple reason that they wanted to decrease my worth to others in order for their worth to rise again. That wouldn't be a good feeling.
I don't want to be that person. I hate that person I am when I do this. Because how do you ask forgiveness from someone who doesn't even know what you have done? How do you make that right? Even if you go to the people you said it to and say you were mistaken or that you wish that you could take it back, the damage is still there. The trust has still been broken.
I try to justify myself. Saying that the person has told my secrets to others before, so it's ok. I say that the person is breaking rules and doing really hypocritical things, so it's not like I am any worse. Even as I typed those last two sentences, I was trying to justify my actions to the random nameless people who just so happen to read this blog post and if no one reads it, I am just attempting to justify to myself again. In essence, trying to say she deserved it.
Ya know. Everyone is gonna do crap they regret, everyone is going to go against their beliefs at LEAST once and do something that seems hypocritical, everyone is going to have something they keep doing even if they tell themselves they will never do it again, everyone is going to hurt someone they love at some point in their lives, everyone is going to make mistakes and everyone is going to be jealous or act in ways to gain attention. But you know what else? Every single person in this world has their reasons for doing the things they do. Every single person has had events and circumstances that are unique to their life that make them act and react the way they do. Who are we... who am I to judge anyone for who they are when I am no experience on how to live their life. I only have experience on how to live my life. So with the experience that I have, I will continue to battle my insecurities and weaknesses. Hopefully, given time and wisdom, I can safely say that gossip does not terrify me and that I will not participate in it.



Here are some quotes coming your way! Some of them speak of why gossip is enticing and other are more inspirational and speak of how we/I ought to be.


Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Miguel Angel Ruiz

Anyone who has obeyed nature by transmitting a piece of gossip experiences the explosive relief that accompanies the satisfying of a primary need.
Primo Levi
(you know, I hate the argument that it's just "in our nature". I hate that used for anything, including this. Because it's such a cop out! There are alot of things that are "just in our nature", doesn't mean that they are good for us. Read the essay in my blog post "The Search" there were some really good quotes in there about the meaninglessness of always giving in to our "natures". I am not trying to be preachy, it's just, if we all gave in to our natures, do you realize how selfish and horrible and lonely this world would be?)

Fire and swords are slow engines of destruction, compared to the tongue of a Gossip.
Richard Steele


Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
Walter Winchell

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
P. J. O'Rourke

Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.
Frank Howard Clark

I think the hardest part about being a teenager is dealing with other teenagers - the criticism and the ridicule, the gossip and rumors.
Beverley Mitchell

It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things.
Lawrence G. Lovasik

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
Will Rogers

A Song Apology/Promise

Remain Nameless by Florence and the Machine

i was born in a big grey cloud
screaming out a love song
all the broken chords and unnamed cries
what a place to come from
i wish to remain nameless
and live without shame
'cause what's in a name, oh
i still remain the same
you can call it what you want
you can call me anything you want
you can call us what you want
you can call me anything you want
everybody lets you down
in this free fall of a town
born a different soul rushing out
tell me what you're running from
i know everybody let's you down
and i'll do the same
but know i'll always be around
this can remain the same
call me when you need me
call me anything you want
darling believe me
nothing i haven't done before

call me when you need me
call me when you need me
call me when you need me
call me when you need me
darling believe me
darling believe me
darling believe me
darling believe me
call me when you need me
call me when you need me
call me when you need me
call me when you need me
darling believe me

You are Loved

You are Loved by Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved



I really wish I had the strength to always stick to these principles. I feel like this is the motto I try to live by, but my own insecurities get in the way. I want to just be able to see everyone for how/who they are, and love them for it.
Yet, see....where I get lost is when I want to be loved myself. Loving others does not require anything in return....if it's true love. Thats where I get messed up, because I feel like sometimes I "play" at loving people, because I want/need their love in return. Playing at love is not genuine and only hurts me and those I am trying to love.....in the long run I think.

“People who have given us their complete confidence believe that they have a right to ours. The inference is false, a gift confers no rights.”


This song is extremely beautiful to me and, as I said above, I feel like it's the motto or principle that I try to live by. I get caught up in things of the world, often enough to be ashamed of myself, but I really do try to change or improve upon my habits, hang-ups, insecurities or whatever else is holding me back from being able to fully love others. I think if we could all remember that we are brothers and sisters, sons and daughters (of worldly parents as well as our Heavenly Father), friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, children and parents, and above all human beings, each with feelings, experiences, memories, emotions, and opinions as real and acute as our own, then we could live in a truly beautiful world.


Click on the title of this post for the music video. :)


Lets not hide our love out of fear. No one can ever truly love you and appriciate the amazing talents and spirit that you have if you keep it hidden. Don't be afraid. Most people are just waiting for that one person to speak up and be themselves, so that they can gain the courage to do the same. Lets be that kind of person. Lets inspire!


Hidden Away by Josh Groban

Over mountains and sky blue seas
On great circles, will you watch for me?
The sweetest feeling I've got inside
I just can't wait to get lost in your eyes

And all these words that you meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don't keep them hidden away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
I can take in all the same
Holding out for something I believe in
All I really need today

I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart
Please, don't keep your heart hidden away

You're a wonder, how bright you shine
A flickered candle in a short lifetime
A secret dreamer that never shows
If no one sees you then nobody knows

And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don't keep them hidden away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
I can take in all the same
Reaching out for someone I believe in
All I really need today

I want to feel your love, will you reveal your love?
Please, don't keep your love hidden away
I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart
Please, don't keep your heart hidden away



Here is the link to this song. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnPICiigM5Q&NR=1


“My son(daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” (D&C 121:7–8.)

Wading Into Shallow Waters

Ah for another dating story. (brought to you by Cookie Crisp)

So, recently, I had to break up with Ferdinand. Well...to be honest he broke up with me, after I neglected him and only used him for my own purposes. To be fair to me though, he never said a word! He never spoke out about what was bothering him. Just one day, out of the blue, BAM! He goes all fuzzy and wishy washy and gives me the complete silent treatment. So I took him into the Geek Squad to figure out how to get our communication going again, but alas, Ferdinand was done with our relationship completely. No explanation, nothing. Just gone. Which meant that I had to purchase a new computer outright! Therefore, I am now in a steady and somewhat tentative relationship with Reginald the Toshiba. He's Asian. It's been real good so far. He at least communicates to me when things are wrong.

Why am I talking about this? Well to set up the story of course! You impatient marsupials.

After me and Reginald, (sorry, Reginald and I), started our relationship, there were still a few communication problems, mostly due to his Asianness and my notness. So it was back to the Geek Squad I went. On this day I had just gotten home from work, and I was very tired, so I opted to not care how I looked. I put my hair in a pony tail, my makeup was in that worn-off-after-working-for-8-hours stage, and I was in a lame t-shirt and jeans, also know as the "I don't expect to see any guys I would like to date and I don't give a crap so I'm gonna be comfortable" look.

Well as luck would have it, out pops a wild hot man! A member of the geek squad he was, I kid you not. I tell this man the story of Reginald and I, and he just listens and offers advice! What a guy!
Welp, as the conversation progressed I begun to feel vibes. Yes ladies and gentlemen. Vibes.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!
It's true. The vibes were there and I was feelin them.
However, I was worried for his sanity, for I had put no effort into my appearance and I was quite homely looking. I probably didn't even brush my teeth that day (I probably didn't to be honest). But alas, the vibes were there and they were undeniable. So as the convo about my trusty new computer and I came to a close, mister wild hot man said, "I would like to give you my number. Would you call me?" I said of course I would, and that I would text him immediately, so he could have my number and the ball would be back in his court. (Yes, I know how to work it. Dang straight.) He laughed and wrote his number down on some receipt paper. Romance is not dead I tell you!

Over the course of the next week wild hot man and I texted back and forth in fun, flirty and pithy banter. I was honestly having a good time getting to know this man. While he was not "of the faith", he seemed to be decent and interesting. Yet, after a few days of the texting though, I decided I would give him a bit of help, I worked my work schedule into the conversation. "I always work Sunday night through Thursday night. So Friday and Saturday nights I am usually free." - Extremely subtle I am.
He took the bate, as he should, and asked if I wanted to go on a date on Friday night. Of course I said yes, I would love to. So we made plans to have him make some dinner and then watch a movie or something. Tentative plans, but it was working for me.


Anywho, the first step on the awkward latter is unfortunately my doing. (In my defense, I have not had a date in over a year now, and my flirty/datey skills are a little rusty.) When we scheduled the date I was genuinely excited for it, so I texted a couple of friends to relay my excitment. Well, eventually my best friend texted back saying, "So I guess our movie night is cancelled then? It's cool! :)" ...or something along those lines. The main point is that I had forgotten that I had already made plans with my friend and I didn't want to be the kind of girl that just starts ditching her friends for a guy. Plus, adding to the fact that I have recently moved out from living with my best friend and I have been trying to make sure she knows that she still comes first as my best friend. Also, I do not get to see her that often, so I just didn't want to ditch on plans with her to see some guy that probably wont turn out to be anything more than a couple of dates. (These were my thought processes). Long story short, I texted him explaining the situation and asked if we could possibly reschedule. I then texted my friend to say that we were once again still on for our movie night. The responses I received were as follows.

From WHM(wild hot man), ":("

From Natalia, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Confusion then set in. WHM was understandably hurt that I had agreed to the date, yet then cancelled not but 2 hours later, and Natalia was saying that I can see her anytime and that I should not cancel a date for her and that I should tell him it was back on. Well, dang. I was spending so much time in between these texts from her to make sure WHM knew that I was still interested, but I just couldn't do it that night. Now I was gonna have to get awkward and be like, "Just Kidding!". So taking advice from Natalia I then did a 180 and assured him that I got the plans with my friend rescheduled so we could go on a date. Thus, crisis averted, date was back on. We were back in business after only a short delay due to operator error.

Second step on the awkward latter. So with the date train back on its track heading to makeout town, I was once again getting excited. We continued talking and sending fun pictures and it was a "so far so good" type of thing. Then, the day of the date, while I was getting my beauty rest, he texted that he was going to have to cancel and reschedule our date. I of course was sad about this, but his reasons (if they were true) were legit enough. I chose to believe his reasons and I felt better, only I was once again back to no-date Friday nights.

At this point I figured things were going to slowly fizzle out because of loss of interest and all those fun things, but he kept talking to me. The hope was bubbling within me again. The hope for another date. Only, surprisingly (or not surprisingly if you know of the penis disease tale) he started to show himself as one of "those guys". You know the type; they don't make any plans, just spur of the moment hot tub/movie invitations, aka "wanna makeout or possibly have sex?" I am very against these invitations. Don't get me wrong, I have no objections to a nice round of tonsil hockey, but only in the context of a relationship. A relationship is not what WHM and I had. WHM and I had nothing. Nothing to warrant a makeout invitation. Yet apparently, this is something that happens in the world. I am not a cheap whore world!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!! (I Know What You Did Last Summer reference - points and a lollipop to you if you got it!)

So anyways, I kept turning down his invitations. Again, he seemed to not take the hint, so I gave him one more chance and said that I would be off on Wednesday night, which is rare for me. He did not plan a date, but he did seem like he wanted to. So I decided to give him a little bit more time.

Which brings us to awkward douche step number 3 on the latter of awkward douches. On Sunday evening, as I was doing my dutiful duties at work, I begin receiving texts asking me how my day was. I came to the conclusion that I should just really tell him what I did that day and see what his reaction would be. So I told him I went to church, took a nap and then came to work. His predictable question was to which church did I belong. I told him.



Radio Silence...



Then...


"So, you guys don't have sex before marriage right?"



"Yep, that is true. It's something I stick by as well."



"Yeah. That's gonna be a problem for me."


"Ok, well I am glad you are honest. So I guess this is where we part ways?"



"Yeah, I just can't go into something knowing I am not gonna get any out of it."


"Again, thanks for the honesty. I hope you have a good life. :)"




Thus ends our sad tale of another failed Stacey Date. I hope one day I can find a man willing to wait until marriage before we go "hottubbing". I fear this may not ever happen.

If you are reading this, thank you for making it through. Please pour yourself a glass of the most delicious drink you can think of, put on the song "All by Myself" by Eric Carmen - to which the link is here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3j_fdSpkmE - and think of me while you drink your glass. Once you have done this, get up live your life! Don't weep for me brothers and sisters!!

Funky Tunes

I dig funky tunes. I'm just gonna list some songs that I am digging at the moment, cause I am feelin the music at the moment peeps!

You and I - Lady Gaga (I know. It's Lady Gaga. She's a freaky weirdo, but this is definitely a good listen.)

Karma - Joss Stone

Whipped Cream - Ludo

Twist - Frightened Rabbit

Don't Start Lying to Me Now - Joss Stone

Those are the main ones at the moment. However there are many many more. Go search for yourself monkeys! I can't do everything for you!!

New Post of AWESOMENESS!

Not really. I feel that I have neglected this little safe haven of my thoughts. NO MORE I SAY! Although, I feel like I say that every month... But my diary (or journal for the learned folk) is filled with very similar entries, so it seems that this cycle is destined to continue till the end of time. Well, at least I am consistent.
I come to you today from the hallway outside my kitchen, where I am waiting for delicious chicken to be cooked, so that my roommates and I may eat it without fear of salmonella. My roommates and kitchen have changed since I have last updated this blog, and while they are super awesome, I do miss Natalia something fierce. Natalia is my best friend, my rock, my partner in crime, and it is really hard to not be living with her anymore. But I am glad that we have still been able to hang out and have adventures despite this separation (its only a couple of miles, but it definitely makes a difference). I hope that we can continue in this way for the rest of my contract here and possibly we can find an even awesomer place to live next year. I was hoping that this move would be able to help us both get out of our comfort zones and do more active things since we have both been wanting to do that, and I think it has been working. But this could also be due to the fact that it is summer and we just got the right motivation, but whatever the case, this has been a really good summer so far(except for the bittersweet sadness of not seeing Natalia everyday).

But enough sadness! On to happy things!

So my new roommates are named Payge, Mackenzie(Mack), and Mckenzie(Kenz or Kenzie), and they are pretty awesome. We all have very different yet very similar personalities. So it really works out. Of course anytime you have multiple girls together you get little dramas, and coming from living with Natalia (and Mandi before) I have not had to deal with that much, if at all, so it was a bit of an adjustment at first. Now things seem to be running pretty smoothly though! A little bit of brownie making, a little bit of water gun fighting, a little bit of movie watching, and a whole buncha sleeping. Not too shabby I would say. And I do say.
I also was forced to purchase a window air conditioner after the communist land lords forbade us to use the central air that accompanies this apartment complex. Gastly! Abominable! How DARE they! But, with the use of my window AC unit I have been able to weather the heat in good spirits and high hopes. Hallelujah!

Work is still pretty awesome, I must say. However, I am still shocked by the inconsiderateness of my fellow human beings. People always complain about the rambunctiousness of kids in hotels and such, but its the PARENTS PEOPLE! The evil, self absorbed, demanding, and entitled PARENTS! Where do you think the kids learn all their evil child ways! They ask where they can find a supermarket, I then, very helpfully, tell them that the nearest is Walmart - a couple miles down the road. Then they throw a fit because they had the MISfortune of staying at a hotel that just can't satisfy their "needs". Their "needs" being, breakfast as early as they would like, a massage at o'900 hours, catnip for their parakeet-Stephanie, a hot towel on their feet after they get out of the shower, rose petals leading from their room to the car and a flippin supermarket pretty much IN the hotel. Is that about right douche-bags?! Is that all you want from me?! Or would you like my kidney and my first born child too?! They all but stomp their feet and start crying if they don't get their way! It's be sad if it weren't so maddening, but I forbear. Other than that, work is peachy! I love the lovely people I work with and I really enjoy working at night, because of my creature of the night tendencies.

Welp, I am going to continue to watch Supernatural with the new roomies. I hope you all have a wonderful night and aren't too disappointed by my non informative ramble of no real importance.

(As always, click on the title of the post for more AWESOMENESS)

Loser fact about Stacey #37

I sometimes buy songs exclusively so I can imagine scenarios in which someone is singing them to me.